Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
