I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
