I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
