you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
