Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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