Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.