I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm