God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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