and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
