my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
