i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
