like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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