i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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