I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
