I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I need to stop coming to work sober
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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