lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
