Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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