They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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