Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.