this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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