There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city