At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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