I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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