Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
