oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
