I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We are all done wearing pants today
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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