I think my vagina is haunted
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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