I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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