Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
