Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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