well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
