I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
