She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
