Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
