i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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