Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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