When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
