After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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