I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
