My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
