I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
