this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she smelled like a LAN party
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
