dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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