I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
