Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
