A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
