i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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