Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
