Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
