Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I did not marry a roomba.
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