based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
