I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
