Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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