He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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