Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
