Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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