my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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