just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
