You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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