Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Who died my cat blue again?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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