Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You left your phone here
Wait...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
