I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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