saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
